#SORRY HALSEY PIANO SHEET MUSIC HOW TO#

A 'this isn't even fucking about you but I don't know how to deal with all this fucking pain and I'm scared I'll hurt you with it so please just leave before I ruin you' fight. An 'I HATE YOU-I'm gonna say the most hurtful things I don't even mean so you'll leave me alone' fight. Like a big shouting match 'I DON'T CARE AND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALK AWAY' fight. What's the deal with feeling like this? I just want to start a fight. That in going 'ok so I won't initiate conversation anymore,' I'm saying 'I don't care if they don't want me anymore, because in this way it's my choice to give them the choice and they can't say my behavior pushed them away' which is probably also bullshit in that not putting energy into a friendship probably DOES push them away. Maybe it's me being so convinced I'm unloveable that withdrawing and telling myself I don't mind is me trying to control the hurt. Maybe she meant me in particular instead of like. I'll end up alone again and again and maybe mom was right, no one will ever help you and you'll have to do it all alone and take care of yourself. I'm not terrified of being alone as much, now, I think. Fix it? Am I hoping they'll come back and realize I'm worth it? That they still like me? That I feel like I'm doing it again and that just not having any contact will somehow. Maybe that's why I feel like withdrawing and isolating every once in a while. Which I probably did with Ace as well before that without realizing. That I did the same thing with Y in elementary school. That I was so terrified of being alone in classes, or in general, and she was the only one with all the same ones as I had. That hurt because looking back I can see how true that is. Keep thinking about a while back when our group was talking about the time when E and I first got close just before she joined this friend group, even further back, and they confessed they saw me as 'a puppy just following her around and withdrawing from them' and ouch. Even if we only talk in group settings anymore, they do keep me around and like. Feel things for me? Tell me what to do? To model myself after instead of finding out who I am? Which, god, I must be exhausting to be around. I'm not good at feeling things and/or being alone so I cling and I look to others to idk.

I don't think I ever learned how to love without (self)destruction.

what? I'm not worth it? I'm hurting them anyways and when they finally see it and they're right to act on it?ДЄgain, probably. It's me pulling back, or them pulling back and me not fighting it because. I was gonna say 'maybe it's just this specific friendship and maybe I deluded myself and it was never good or healthy,' which, maybe I'm right, maybe it isn't. I don't know it's like I have the urge to hurt sometimes, to break friendships Well.ДЇUCK what's it about the idea of burning everything down, fucking up good things, that is so tempting.

I'm having a lot of thoughts and this probably doesn't capture anything that makes any sense but I do think I have to put it down somewhere and this is.

Sorry halsey piano sheet music